365

Well, folks. It's been one year. That's right, we're halfway through. Where did the last 365 days go? I'm not complainin'...I'm just sayin'. It honestly flew by. So this is the time where most girls start planning their weddings and becoming sure of the fact that they will marry their missionaries. I'm not there yet. I'm super excited that we made it this far, believe me, I am! But when the next year rolls around will we be getting married for eternity? I don't know. It would be the fairytale ending, but I don't know.

I would like to be able to say that I know exactly where I'll be in one year. I would like to be able to say that I even have a clue. But I can't.

I love it here in Arizona. I do. I love how many members there are out here. I love it. I love it. I love it. There are people who want me to stay here and not go back to Nebraska when summer rolls around. And there are others who want me back in Nebraska right now. There are people who want me to continue waiting, and there are those who don't. I obviously can't please everyone, nor should I try. The problem is this: I hate letting people down. I hate being the one to disappoint and, therefore, saying no is really difficult for me. But I'm getting there. I am learning to do things for me and I'm working on relying on my Heavenly Father to do so. It's this amazing new ability that I have: saying no. I'm not great at it yet, but I'm progressing. You'd think that being able to do things for myself would make life easier, less complicated. False: I'm only 20 years old. I have no idea what I want yet (I stole a page out of old Dwight Schrute's book). How does one figure that out? Everyone's advice? Do what makes you happy. But I'm a very happy person so that's a pretty large spectrum. I could be happy getting married. I could be happy finishing up school first. I could be happy studying abroad. I could be happy going on a mission. I could be happy going home to Nebraska. I could be happy staying here in Arizona. Heck, I've even thought about transferring out to BYU-Idaho and I could be happy there. The thing is, I am one of those people that are happy anywhere, and I'm grateful for that. But it doesn't make my decision making any easier. 

Anyway, I'm just rambling. Allow me to condense: I'm confused about every aspect of my life right now. So where I'll be in one year is a mystery. But one year has passed and I'm still here so if I could make a prediction? I'd say that I'll still be around after the next 365 days. 

This past year I have grown more than the other 19 years of my life combined. This past year I have gone through every emotion on the scale. This past year I had my first apartment. I moved out of Nebraska for the first time. I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my education. I became a published writer. I cried and laughed and danced and screamed. I gained weight, I lost weight. I turned into a bit of a hippie (although let's be honest, I've always been that way). This past year, though I missed Seth, I'm glad that I was "alone." It offered me the opportunity to figure out who I was, even if who I am has no idea what she's doing. I discovered my passions, weaknesses, my strengths. I discovered that I love being spontaneous, traveling without plans and trying everything once. I love documenting every detail with my camera, my notepad, my memory. This past year I have gained confidence that I never knew I was capable of and I've learned to love others more fully. I've enjoyed what very well may be my favorite thing in the world: driving with my windows down, sun streaming in, hair flying loose and becoming tangled, radio turned all the way up and singing at the top of my lungs. I have truly grown to appreciate being young and I don't want to throw away one single minute or wish for it to pass any faster than it already is. I learned to live and love life more than I ever have before. This past year...was incredible. 

Year two? Bring it on.

California&"The" Talk

I really need to be doing my homework right now...I put it off all weekend and went on a trip to California with a group of people from the singles ward. Seriously, so much fun! That was the first time I'd ever seen the ocean! The first time I'd ever had sushi rolls. The first time I'd ever rode a tandem bike. The first time I'd ever seen the San Diego temple. The first time I'd ever attempted to surf. The first time I'd ever just decided to go on a trip without consulting my parents first. I'm a big girl now! Long story short? It was amazing. 

The absolute best part was seeing the temple. That has been my favorite temple for as long as I can remember and I've always wanted to get married there, yet I'd never seen it in person. If you want to know the truth, as soon as we came around the corner and saw the temple at the top of the hill, I began to cry. It was pretty late at night so the temple was already closed (I was really bummed about not being able to go earlier.) but just being there the spirit was so strong. I have never wanted to go inside, or at least just be inside the gate on the temple grounds, so bad. As I stood there pressing my face up against the fence I just thought, "Wow. That's Heavenly Father's house. He's in there." And then I had a very distinct thought, or an impression if you will, "He's here too, Sierra." Needless to say, it was an incredible night and there's more to that story that made it even better but that's a little personal for everyone involved and so I'm not going to share it on here. 

Anyway, one of the friends who went along on this trip was guy #1 from my last post (I don't remember what geeky name I gave him before). We get along really well and I feel like I can tell him anything. In fact, I have. After we got back from California last night we just sat there and talked for hours about a lot of really deep, important things. Towards the end I told him that, even though I really love spending time with him, I thought it was best if we just kept things as good friends, maybe even best friends, but not a relationship. And he was really understanding and very cool about it. He said that, even though it would be hard for him, he completely understand thought it was fair. And that is why he's already one of my closest friends here. I really appreciate the maturity that most guys in the church have. I feel like, as I grow up, I'm having this talk much more often, but at the same time the guys aren't acting out as upset boys anymore, now they respond to me with respect and they handle it as men. It's a bit of a strange transition, but it's one that i definitely like. 

I'm so grateful for him and others who have treated me with respect even though they don't necessarily like my decisions. I'm grateful for the perspective that the gospel gives. I'm grateful for good people and good friends. I'm grateful for the confidence that I have to stand up for myself and say no, this isn't what I want for myself; I didn't always have that. In fact, I didn't have that until recently. I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings, so I would let things slide much longer than they should have on multiple occasions. In the end, it always ended up hurting them even more and me as well. I'm grateful that I have finally learned my lesson.