I have a confession to make. I have been the worst letter writer of all time these last two months. I still send him at least one email every week, usually more, but I haven't sat down and sent something hand-written in awhile. Why? Because it hurts. More than seven months after he left, I'm okay and life is good. But there's something you should know: I'm a writer. That's just the way things are. So when I sit down to write a letter, it's not a one or two page letter. It's a minimum of four pages. Front and back. Always. That takes time and it forces me to remember...oh yeah. I still miss him. A lot. Sending emails, however, is quick and painless. I can let him know what's going on in my life and that I haven't forgotten about him without completely realizing that he's real...because let's be honest. It doesn't always feel that way. In a mixture of my words and the words of another MG...
Sometimes I think he is fake.
I have an imaginary boyfriend.
(Might as well get that out there...)
He used to be real.
At least I think he was.
It's just that...
It's been a while, you know?
I write letters to a man living in Argentina.
Supposedly.
Every month and a half I get a few letters;
and I remember that I know he is real.
I read his thoughts and I know he exists.
Then I wait.
But he doesn't stay real.
All of a sudden he's imaginary again.
Was there ever anything tangible to this?
I hardly remember what it was like having him here -
...he was here
...Right?
Sometimes I think I'll get so used to being apart from him,
I won't know how to be around him again.
And that's scary.
Assuming he's real.
And if he is, he's coming back, right?
Hopefully?
At least
I think hopefully.
I'm not really sure what it's going to be like when he comes back.
If he comes back.
It was great when he was here...
Right?
Or am I just remembering the good parts
because that's all I want to remember?
We will be different...
and then what?
Will I still want him?
Will he still want me?
I think so.
I hope so.
Hi Sierra!!! I am not a missionary girlfriend, but I am a missionary mom... :) I think it is easier to be the mom than the girlfriend.. because I am never afraid that he won't like me anymore... :) He might not write me but I know he will love me eventually...So I feel for you..I understand the insecurity and I know also that they, the missionaries, have that feeling too...He is so engaged in his work that sometimes it feels like he had forgotten all he left here. In the future you will see that it was a good thing for him to be like that. It shows that he is a great missionary and will be a great husband and father.
ReplyDeleteI know in my heart that my son loves his girlfriend and I can tell from you posts and stories that your boyfriend loves you too, even though the future is uncertain, I know that you and her will treasure this times and memories from when they were missionaries and you were waiting for him forever!!
I love reading your blog! Hope you don't mind!! :)
No I don't mind at all! Quite the contrary! Thank you for reading and for your comment. I know that he will someday be a great husband and father as well and I am grateful that he is so caught up in his work. That's how it should be. =) I just get selfish some days and miss when I had that daily reassurance. Your comment really does help and makes me feel more confident. Thank you!
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